Just Here for the Pain_gay rocker BDSM romance Read online

  “What is it, Stan?” Sid said, emphasizing the nickname as he always did when he was trying to put a wall between them. But Asher didn’t care as long as he got Sid’s attention, because at the end of the day that was all that mattered.

  Asher made sure to only glance at the pierced nipple protruding from under Sid’s top. Don’t stare. It wasn’t even that hard because it was Sid’s face that was so captivating, so angular and wild, like the human incarnation of a fox.

  Asher felt his mouth go dry. “I…you might have noticed I disappeared for almost seven days.”

  Sid gave him a blank stare and inhaled more smoke. “No.”

  It stung, but Asher had gotten used to rejection, so he smiled regardless of his true feelings. Soon enough, he’d wipe that cruel expression off Sid’s face, replacing it with pained scowls and weeping. Just like they both wanted it.

  “Well, I thought about what you’ve told me, and I wanted to show you something. It’s in my trunk.”

  There it was. A crack in Sid’s facade. A little twitch to his narrow lips. “I…I was just trying to freak you out.” But then he swallowed and leaned closer to whisper. “It’s not a dead body or something?”

  Asher gave an awkward laugh and touched Sid’s shoulder. “Come on, I’m harmless.”

  “Not really though. You’ve…grown. Or something.” The last bit seemed like an add-on after Sid realized he’d given Asher a compliment. Because, hell yes, Asher had grown since they first met. He no longer was a scrawny kid. He was running, he did calisthenics, and he ate in a way that helped build his muscles.

  So, yeah, thank you for noticing, Sid.

  Asher smirked. “Look, I’m sure you know if I wanted to do something to you, there would have been easier methods than following you everywhere.”

  The nervous tapping of Sid’s fingers against the cigarette was satisfying in some ways, because it meant Asher was affecting Sid. He wasn’t just air to him anymore. “I guess. But…” He looked around and threw the butt of the cig away. “You know that if something happens to me, you’re the first suspect, right? Just to make that clear.”

  Asher rolled his eyes, but the accusation made his mood drop. He was somewhat cranky from the aches all over his body, and being accused of ill intentions after dedicating so much time and effort into his future with Sid was a bit of a blow. Nevertheless, he led the way toward the parking lot by the hotel.

  “Sure. Asher Philippe, public enemy number one.”

  Sid shoved his hands into his pockets, walking next to Asher stiffly. “Just saying.”

  “You might say that, but I know you’ve thought of me all of last week,” Asher said softly, eyeing Sid as they followed the paved route all the way to the front of the car park where electric cars could be loaded. His Tesla model S was right in front of them, its dark gray shining in the glow of the streetlamp.

  “So what did you do all week? You wanna show me some kind of I-love-Sid art project?” Sid rolled his eyes, but he’d quit it with the snarky comments soon enough.

  Asher unlocked the car with the electronic key and opened the trunk. A small smile pulled at his lips. “Research. I employed two professionals to help me find my answers.”

  The way Sid’s eyes went wide made butterflies take flight in Asher’s stomach. That’s right, Sid. I’ve got all you need right here. Sid’s earlier suggestion that he’d lied about his sexual needs to scare Asher off must had been only an attempt at damage control, because he didn’t burst out laughing at the sight of the implements Asher had nicely arranged inside the trunk. He wasn’t running either.

  Sid stared with his lips slightly parted, for once having no cocky comments to share. “P-professionals?” he choked out in the end and crossed his arms on his chest, never taking his eyes off the collection of cuffs, paddles, floggers, and chains. Asher had even got a shock collar, although in hindsight, he realized the clerk who’d sold it to him probably just wanted more of his precious money.

  None of that mattered in the face of the flush slowly emerging on Sid’s cheeks. His heart thumped at the way Sid’s lips widened, and he was fast to start unbuttoning his shirt just enough to pull it over his head.

  “Yeah, look,” He said, turning around to show off the reddened skin on his back, where a flogger had been used. “I’ve experimented with people, but since you want it more hardcore, I wanted to know how it feels before I do it to you.”

  Something changed in the way Sid looked at him, and Asher was eating up every single second of it. “How did it feel?” he asked in a low voice, for once not dismissing Asher on the spot.

  Asher allowed himself a tiny scowl. “Oh, you know, painful. I wasn’t that into it. You sure that’s what you want?”

  Only then Asher noticed Sid was squeezing his own arms so hard his knuckles paled. “See? You don’t understand. I told this isn’t your thing.”

  “Isn’t it you who wants the pain? I can deliver. In fact,”—Asher leaned close enough to smell the tobacco in Sid’s hair, close enough to taste it in a kiss if he wanted—“I keep thinking back to holding you down against that car. I wish to tie you to this one naked. I’m thinking of it right now. How about you?”

  Sid scratched his neck in a constant motion that only drew more of Asher’s attention. And yet he stayed put. Wasn’t swearing at Asher or running away. His breath became faster, already making Asher imagine all the sex they could be having.

  “Maybe we… I mean, we’d have to set boundaries and rules. And a safeword.” Sid was blinking fast, staring into the trunk as if mesmerized and Asher just wanted to grab him. To think that all this time he’d tried to be the nicest guy on the planet and pander to Sid however he could imagine, only to get a response to this. To the dirty, kinky things he liked to watch in porn and sometimes recreated with hook-ups.

  Without thinking, he twisted the thick chain Sid always wore on his neck and pulled on it, bringing their faces so close that he could sense Sid’s rapid exhale. Their eyes locked, and only the fact that this was a public place stopped him from reaching toward Sid’s nipple.

  “We will. Something you’d never say to me otherwise, like ‘good job’.”

  Sid didn’t slap Asher’s hand away like he usually did, and Asher couldn’t believe the rush of excitement that fact gave him. “Ash, is this really something you want to do? You’ve clearly prepared, but…whoa. This is a new turn of events. You shouldn’t force yourself into it. Some things just aren’t meant to be…”

  Asher’s stomach twisted, and he drew Sid even closer, until their noses rubbed. “It’s weird when you’re being nice all of a sudden. But I’ll take that. I’d hogtie you right now if I could. But I don’t want the others alarming the police. Like you said— I’m suspect number one.”

  The thrill of Sid’s wide-eyed stare had Asher walking on clouds. He hadn’t even realized that this was the look he’d wanted from Sid all along. Full of attention. As if Sid could finally see Asher for who he was, and Asher loved that reflected at him. He wasn’t a ‘pest’ anymore. Nor was he a ‘kid’. Sid was only two years older, anyway.

  “One time thing,” Sid rasped. “To get it out of your system.”

  Asher smirked. “We’ll see what you say once I’m done with you,” he whispered and pulled Sid into a kiss that started with their mouths clashing and ended with Asher’s tongue deep in Sid’s mouth.

  His heart beat so fast he worried it might jump out of his chest, but there he was, kissing the most amazing guy on the planet for the second time in the space of a week, and Sid wasn’t even fighting it. He was pliant. The revelation made Asher insatiable. How had he not noticed it all these years? Was it all the spikes and studs Sid wore? It must have been their first experience together that clouded Asher’s judgment of Sid.

  When Sid tried to back away, Asher held the chain harder, and Sid instantly gave it a rest, surrendering his lips up for plunder. Their chests pressed against each other, making Asher’s dick go hard. He needed that body in his
bed, needed to find out if Sid had any more secrets. Any tats that weren’t usually on show? Any secret piercings?

  In the end, his fingers found their way to Sid’s nipple, and twisted the barbell piercing, along with the flesh. How come it had taken him so long to figure Sid out? With the show of force in place, Sid even put his long, bony fingers on Asher’s shoulders, for once not pushing him away.

  In the end, Asher made himself step back and looked for Sid’s reactions while still tugging on the delicate flesh by the metal anchor. He took a deep breath, trying to force down the initial arousal curling in his balls. “This will have to wait until I’m done talking with Dusk and Mage. Come with me?”

  Sid swallowed but gave Asher a reluctant nod. “I don’t want them to hear about this, understood?” he whispered, in what seemed like an attempt to sound stern, but Asher couldn’t remember ever seeing Sid so vulnerable.

  He briefly cupped Sid’s face and rubbed his thumb over that soft, kissable mouth. “My lips will be sealed,” he said and let go to lock the car again. His blood was like hot sauce, streaming through his body and scalding his veins.

  When they walked back to the hotel, the inches of air between them were loaded with electricity, and Asher couldn’t wait to create a spark.

  “Err… you okay, man?” Dusk asked with his eyebrows high when they all sat down together again. Since there was no more room on the side of the booth where Mage and Dusk sat, Sid ended up right where Asher wanted him.

  Sid shrugged. “Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?”

  Asher grinned and pushed the plate of ahi tuna Sid’s way. “Take some if you’re hungry,” he offered. Before Sid could speak, he slid his hand to Sid’s thigh and squeezed it under the table, savoring its heat through the ripped denim.

  The way Sid stiffened sent a thrill rippling through Asher’s body. “I’m good,” Sid muttered.

  “What did Lolly tell you?” Dusk pressed on. “Fucker wouldn’t say, just teased me about it. Did he say he loved me?” He gave Asher a sheepish grin.

  Asher laughed and slipped two of his fingers into a gap in the fabric of Sid’s jeans. The fact that Sid wasn’t resisting him was like an injection of self-esteem, and he grinned at Dusk, scratching Sid’s flesh in secret. “I don’t kiss and tell,” he said, proud of his double entendre.

  Sid must have run out of things to do with his hands, because in the end he stabbed a fork into the tuna with a deep frown.

  If only Asher could crack Sid’s skull open and read his mind.

  Chapter 3

  This was a bad idea. Such a bad idea.

  Glued to the white leather upholstery of Asher’s Tesla, Sid could hardly remember ever feeling so out of place. He shouldn’t be doing this with Asher, his stalker, his ‘Stan’. He could end up dead, raped, his safeword ignored, his limits broken. Not only was it psycho-Asher, but apparently also a total newbie to BDSM.

  And yet all those reasons faded when one thought was red hot and sizzling in Sid’s mind: he wanted what Asher was offering. Simple as that. He craved an experience that wasn’t virtual. And even if Asher could be…intense, he was a known evil, not some stranger from a hook-up app. If Sid could get from him what he wanted tonight, maybe his needs would be satisfied enough to last him another two years.

  Asher’s wandering hand didn’t help Sid in assessing the situation clearly, so he remained stiff despite arousal fluctuating just below the surface.

  “You ever sucked someone off in the car, Sid? You know, as a passenger?” Asher asked, moving his hand all the way up Sid’s thigh and pressing his fingers so close to Sid’s groin it was impossible to remain still.

  Sid rubbed his temple, once again telling himself this was a spectacularly bad idea. “That’s an unrelated question.” No matter that it felt like pulling his own teeth, he’d been telling Asher about his likes and dislikes throughout the ride, because otherwise this whole thing was pointless. And to make matters worse, Asher’s new Tesla was of course a no-smoking zone.

  “Is it? Aren’t you gonna suck my dick?”

  Sid stared into the darkness beyond the windshield, annoyed by how easy it seemed for Asher to push his buttons. “I don’t know. Maybe. Not here.” Just talking about it had his heart pounding like mad. It was nothing like the random hook-ups for just sex, in which he felt pretty confident and knew where he stood.

  With Asher, it was like entering the cage of a tiger you reared from a little cub. It knew you, it wanted to please you, but it could also easily chew off your face.

  “No. I don’t have that much trust in my driving skills,” Asher said, leaving the freeway. Even for Sid, Asher didn’t stay in the same cheap hotel as The Underdogs. The band was gaining popularity, but that hardly meant they were rolling in cash.

  Sid smirked, glancing at the man who would hurt him tonight. A strange thought he still hadn’t reconciled with. “Wouldn’t want to wreck this shiny new car, right?”

  “It’s insured. I wouldn’t want to break you before I get my hands on all that,” Asher said, grinning at Sid briefly.

  It wasn’t long until he parked in front of a large modern hotel and exited the car. He looked different tonight. Asher had always been all fake smiles, briefly-met friends, and thousands of potential contacts, but there was something new in his eyes, an apprehension that returned every time he glanced Sid’s way, despite the strong words he kept using.

  He couldn’t possibly be shy about this, could he? He’d been the one to press so hard in the first place. Once more, the thought popped up in Sid’s head: bad idea. Should he really give up control to a stalker of all people? But then again, Sid had met Asher before he went all psycho, so he knew there was something kind under all that crazy.

  Also, Asher was hot, so there was that. If it was just about sex, they could fuck every now and then, no problem. Just a friends-with-benefits kind of situation. Easy. But Asher liked to talk about his feelings for Sid and that made this whole thing more complicated.

  “Just sex though, right? Sex with a side of pain and humiliation. Or pain and humiliation, with a side of sex.” Sid glanced at Asher to make sure they understood each other. “Just this once.”

  Asher watched him for a second too long from behind the open trunk as he gathered all the accessories he wanted to use. “I think it should be up to me now, shouldn’t it?”

  Sid rolled his eyes. Christ. They were really doing this. “Nope. Not really. I’m not exactly submissive. It’s complicated. But I won’t just do whatever you ask.”

  Asher blinked, and something heavy fell out of his hand inside the trunk. “Sorry. You don’t really share much,” he said, quickly pulling a large bag out and shutting the car.

  “I’m working on it, okay?” Sid raised both his arms and his voice. Why was he doing this to himself? So much stress, so much effort. And yet, if a session with a whip went right, it would be worth jumping through all the hoops.

  “Welcome to the club. It would help if I actually knew what you want, because stuff like this can be a total mood-wrecker,” Asher said and led the way toward the reception.

  “Oh. Right.” Sid’s frown deepened. Working out his own shit was hard enough. Was he supposed to worry about Asher now on top of it?

  For now, he stayed silent, assessing how much a night in this hotel would cost. The armchairs in the lobby had fancy triangular-shaped backs, so that surely upped the price, and the paintings on the walls were abstract enough for Sid to add another hundred bucks to his estimate.

  As they walked through the foyer, he couldn’t help but sense the weight numerous stares. He so obviously didn’t fit in that people would have all kinds of theories why a man as good-looking as Asher had brought him here. And the worst thing was that most of those wild guessers would be almost-right.

  Unbothered—and likely not even aware of the attention they garnered—Asher led the way to the elevator, and then down the corridor on the tenth floor, where he opened one of the doors without having to use an actual
key. It was the kind of place that used cards.

  “So…” Sid licked his lips as he walked into the pleasant-smelling, modern room with inviting, moody lighting and more space than the studio apartment Sid had been renting before they went on tour. “No photos.”

  “Have you learned a lesson from last time?” Asher asked, grinning as he tossed the bag of BDSM implements into the velvety armchair by the huge window.

  Sid sighed at the memory of the Polaroids they’d taken on their first night together all those years ago. “You wanted a memento. It made sense at the time.”

  Asher stilled, shutting the curtains with the press of a button. “I haven’t shown them to anyone. It was just for you and me.”

  Sid cleared his throat and sat on the bed to at least try to stop standing so stiffly. The mixture of nerves and excitement was hardly bearable. “You sure? Don’t wanna drive more traffic to your website?” He laughed, but it was reassuring to know that Asher hadn’t used the photos in any way. Sid hardly remembered what was in them, but he was sure they were intimate enough that he didn’t want them shared.

  Asher shook his head, watching Sid with his arms folded across his chest. He had such nice forearms too—thick and peppered with dark hair. For a moment, he seemed lost, but before the anxiety inside Sid could have come to the surface, Asher stepped closer. “So I didn’t do very hardcore stuff, but I know there’s hard and soft limits, right? Do you want to go through a list?”

  “Let’s not overthink things, huh? How about you just choose out of the things I told you in the car? Surprise me,” Sid said with a cocky smile, but he felt anything but. Nerves were making more knots in his stomach by the minute. “I… I like it rough.” He cleared his throat again, because once more he ended up lowering his voice to a whisper.

  Was it just Sid’s imagination, or had Asher’s impressive chest expanded rapidly? “Yeah? Fucked rough or just spanked hard?” Asher said, moving closer at a slow pace. Sid watched his feet move over the beige carpet, each step like an approaching jaguar’s.