Just Here for the Pain Read online

  Pride swelled in Asher’s chest, and he pulled Sid even closer. “I could make them beg for your support if I had incentive,” he said, with a wink, and kissed Sid on the lips, savoring their brief softness. He didn’t miss the way Sid looked around, despite them being in a cozy dark booth.

  “Nah. I want them to rot in obscurity.”

  “And that guy you were with…he’s not in the picture anymore, is he?” Asher asked in the end, unable to hold back.

  Sid smirked and shook his head. “He was in and out of the state on business. I didn’t want to see him after what happened with the band, so things just…dissolved. For a while I thought I shouldn’t be doing this kind of stuff anyway. With the touring, then the new band, I wasn’t in the headspace for it.”

  Asher’s skin prickled, as if thousands of tiny needles rubbed against it at once, about to pierce him yet not quite doing so. Sid hadn’t done this kind of thing for years? Was Asher the first to see this face of Sid since he joined The Underdogs?

  Sid would not let him go so easily. Not if Asher gave him exactly what he needed.

  “But now you’re ready?”

  “I’ve been meaning to for a while. The timing wasn’t right, and we’re on the move all the time.” Sid tapped his fingers on the bottle he cradled to his stomach. “So I’ve put it on the backburner. I know I said this would be a one-time thing, but maybe, if you’re up for it, we could, like…keep going until the end of this tour? Just as a sex thing, you know? For the BDSM aspect of it.”

  Every cell in Asher’s body joined the collective cry of triumph, but he kept it cool, like a good salesman. This was his moment, and he would no longer be begging for scraps of Sid’s attention. For the first time since they’d met, he was the one with an advantage.

  “As in what? You want me to pop in for sex but still avoid me in public?”

  Sid cleared his throat and glanced toward the bar, but Asher wasn’t giving him the comfort of another beer just yet.

  “That would be best. To not overcomplicate things with the band and all that.”

  Asher scowled, watching Sid for a reaction.

  Sid frowned in return, like a bull meeting him head on. Now that Asher knew he could, he wished to wipe that look right off Sid’s face. “It makes sense.”

  “Does it? I’m not working for rent-a-dom.com.”

  “I told you it would be a no-strings thing. Don’t make it weird now.”

  “Who says anything about strings? You guys have known me for years. What’s your issue with us partying together once in a while, or something?”

  “Okay, so I’ll ease off with the silent treatment.”

  Asher wasn’t about to settle for the finger if he could get the whole hand. “Or you could let your friends know I’m welcome?”

  Sid groaned. “They talk to you, don’t they?”

  A flash of heat penetrated Asher’s body and squeezed around his neck. “Begrudgingly. Do you think I don’t hear all those jokes at my expense? Or the fact that you all call me Stan? I’m persistent, Sid, not stupid.”

  Sid leaned back against Asher’s arm, and that gesture alone was so sweet Asher would’ve agreed to any demand on Sid’s part if he were less experienced. “So I’ll tell them we’re cool.”

  “Aren’t they all…well, except Mage…aren’t they all gay? Why would you hide that we’re fucking?”

  “‘Cause it’s weird now after all these years of me avoiding you. Dusk is fucking nosy and wants to know everything about everyone.” But Sid was arguing this. He didn’t dismiss Asher, didn’t get up and leave, or throw a tantrum. He had to be desperate, so Asher would get what he wanted.

  He sipped more of his beer, considering his next move but then something much better turned up on its own.

  The Underdogs entered the bar.

  Asher moved his arm higher, so that it visibly settled on Sid’s shoulders, and leaned in, rubbing his nose against Sid’s shaved scalp. “If we’re to do this many more times, I want you to tell them we’re dating. What is it gonna be, Sid? Do you want to be my bitch again or not?”

  He’d had just enough time to say that before they were spotted. Sid must have not have noticed his friends yet, lost in thought, but the fact that Sid didn’t outright reject the idea was all Asher needed to know.

  Sid stiffened suddenly, looking up with a blank expression when Dusk and Mage stopped by their table.

  Dusk grinned and pointed at them with his beer. “You’ve got something on your arm, Sid.”

  Mage was more sympathetic, his face stiff with worry. “Everything okay?”

  This was it. Sink or swim. Not that Asher would give up, regardless of Sid’s choice. He and Sid were made for each other, and tonight had only made it more obvious, but if he got rejected now, climbing back up would be a tough job.

  Sid licked his lips and shrugged. “We’re kinda dating.” He mumbled rather than spoke, but Asher wouldn’t have been happier if angel choirs sang in his honor.

  Dusk’s eyebrows shot up, and he leaned over the table, not even minding the ends of his long black hair swiping the sticky surface. “What was that, Sid? I couldn’t hear you.”

  Dawn stared at them from behind Mage, as if the mass of black hair and the baseball cap kept low above his eyes couldn’t protect him enough, but he chose to step in despite his natural shyness. “Come on, leave him be!”

  To be fair, Asher wanted to hear the words from Sid again too.

  “I said we’re dating!” Sid choked out, meeting Dusk’s eyes. “And yes, it’s okay. We’ve had a beer, cleared things up, and it’s fine.” He waved his hand dismissively and smiled. “Everyone needs to come sometime, Mage.”

  Dusk slammed his palm against the table with a grin. “This is so fucking priceless. I gotta call Lolly and tell him.”

  Dawn’s eyes widened. “Dusk, no. Let him have his privacy!”

  Despite Mage’s frowning gaze raising hairs at the back of his neck, Asher grinned. “Don’t worry. I’m not blackmailing him. I swear.”

  Sid groaned and rubbed his forehead, but there was no denying it. Asher had won.

  Dusk pulled off Dawn’s baseball cap in one quick move and pushed his phone against his ear while keeping the cap, way beyond Dawn’s reach. “Hey, babe. You won’t believe this shit.”

  Sid flinched, stiff like a wooden board, but Asher hugged him and even kissed his scalp again, surfing the golden waves of success achieved after so many years of hard work. Sid was once again his, and it would stay that way, no matter what Sid believed now.

  Somewhere, there was a collar for Sid, and Asher would put his name on it.

  Chapter 5

  “I should have gone with them,” Mage said, looking out of the bus window time and time again.

  Sid groaned and counted to ten in his mind. “I’m pretty sure Dusk and Dawn are perfectly capable of getting us sandwiches.”

  Mage scowled and glanced at the diner again. With the light reflecting off the windows aggressively, they couldn’t see what was going on inside. “Yeah, but you know Dusk. He’s always forcing Dawn to talk to strangers. Last time, he’d said he only needed Dawn to carry the food but then just left him to place the order!”

  This would take a while. Sid opened the window and lit himself a cigarette, leaving Mage on one of the two leather sofas attached to the floor in the lounging/dining area of the old General Motors they DIYd into a living space. It was a bit of a mess, with tape keeping plastic chests of drawers used as storage in place, but it served them well enough as a tour bus. “You say that like it’s a bad thing. He’s got to do shit by himself at some point. Life’s tough. Much tougher than having to order a sandwich on your own. The quicker he learns this, the better.”

  Mage opened his bottle of coconut water and took a few sips. “Not everyone’s like you. Dawn’s shy. He shouldn’t be pushed to do things he doesn’t feel comfortable with.”

  Sid took a deep inhale of smoke, trying to not think too much about all the bull
shit he’d had to go through in life. “When he’s on his own, no one will care that he’s shy. He’ll have to deal with shit then.”

  Mage’s brown eyes darkened, as if Sid’s words infected them with gloom. “Why would he be alone?”

  “Because he’s not a child? Nothing’s permanent. He can’t just hide in everyone’s shadow all his life.”

  Mage squeezed his hand on the seat, stiffening like he did every time anything or anyone challenged Dawn. If Dawn wasn’t such a delicate flower, and Mage wasn’t straight, Sid’s guess would have been that they were fucking. The topic changed before Sid could say that comment out loud.

  “What about you and Stan? Is this something permanent? You’ve been avoiding this conversation for five days now. Out with it.”

  Sid groaned. He’d been avoiding it for good reason. He didn’t want to talk about it. He was confident enough about what he liked in BDSM, but telling someone like Mage about it was another matter altogether. How was he supposed to explain to him that Asher had become a desirable presence the moment Sid found out the guy could manhandle him in the most intoxicating ways, fuck him raw, and make him his bitch? And how could Sid even tell Mage that he liked that kind of degrading shit much more than a hook-up with a rando, or a blowjob from a groupie?

  The other day, Asher had fucked Sid right after a gig. Pulled his hair and forced Sid to take it in a restroom. The sex had been short, but intense, with Asher holding his hand over Sid’s face to keep him quiet.

  Sid hissed when the ash dropped from the cigarette to his jeans. “Fuck. What? Not much to tell.”

  Mage grunted, rolling his eyes. “Come on, I’ve known you long enough. For four years you called him a psycho stalker and avoided him like the plague, and now you’re suddenly in love with him? What’s up with that?”

  Sid threw the butt of the still burning cig at Mage. “I’m not in love with him! What the fuck, you ass? What’s so hard to understand in me needing somewhere to stick my dick? Maybe if you actually took care of your own libido instead of worrying if someone isn’t taking precious little Dawn’s virginity, you’d understand!”

  Mage extinguished the cigarette with his boot and took a deep, laborious breath, squeezing and opening his fists. “Yeah? Does he know you’re planning to drop him soon? What if he murders you in revenge?”

  Dusk jumped into the bus with a wide smile. “Sid, you’re keeping him!”

  “What wonderful thing did he do this time?” Sid grumbled. Dusk put his arm over Asher’s shoulders and it sparked even more anger inside of Sid. “My new bestie bought us all the food. And beers for later. Man, I’m so happy the two of you buried the hatchet, ‘cause this is great.”

  Dawn marched in last, with a small smile for Mage but it dropped off his face the moment his gaze actually met Sid’s.

  “Come on, it’s nothing, guys. Just some food. It’s not like they have caviar here,” Asher said, joining Sid on the sofa. He put a paper bag onto his lap and opened his own plastic box, which contained mostly salmon and vegetables.

  Sid sighed with resignation when he opened the bag of fries Asher got for him. Just the thing to calm his nerves. “It’s only nothing if you can afford a Tesla.” He couldn’t help a certain resentment that had always brewed in him over how loaded Asher was. Sure, the guy had a job and all, but there was also plenty of Daddy’s money Asher could just burn through while everyone else had to struggle to pay their bills.

  Everyone went very quiet for a few seconds, but the silence was interrupted by Dusk’s loud slurping.

  “My dad drives a Tesla,” Mage said in the end.

  Sid stuffed his face full of fries, suddenly all too aware of Asher’s presence next to him. But instead of being angry, Asher slipped a plastic bowl with salad and grilled meat onto Sid’s lap.

  Dusk kicked back opposite them and bit into his peanut butter sandwich. “When I have millions of dollars, I’ll be buying shit for people, I won’t mind.”

  “I’m always happy to treat you guys,” Asher said, leaning far too close for Sid’s liking. Then again, it was nice to be touched.

  Sid looked at the poached salmon with greens that was disappearing into Asher’s shapely mouth bit by bit. Did it take this kind of food to be in as good of a shape as he was? Asher’s arms could so easily overpower Sid, push him against the wall and hold him still.

  “You two should have started fucking long ago,” Dusk said, happy with himself.

  Sid groaned but took the plastic fork Asher offered him. “Look at you, master of relationships. Tell me more.”

  “It’s easy for you two to stay together if he’s following us any—”

  Sid cut into Dusk’s sentence. “That was sarcasm! How is this even a topic for discussion? Don’t we have anything better to talk about? How’s the new song going, Dawn? What’s your sandwich with, Mage? Did you make Dawn order his own food, Dusk?”

  Asher’s arm settled over Sid’s shoulders, and as angry as that made him, its weight felt comforting, so he stuffed his mouth with the carved bits of meat he hadn’t asked for. And yet they were so nice.

  Asher was the next one to speak, leaving Sid’s passive-aggressive questions unanswered. “Anyway, guys, I’ve been planning a media campaign for The Underdogs. You still need to okay this, but we should start with something about Dusk and Lolly, a controlled leak, maybe of some kind of lovey-dovey message. Then we’ll have Dusk comment, and then, once the band is again at the forefront of people’s minds, we start the promo of the new single. We let that brew for three days tops, and then I start publishing a series of video interviews with you. It will require some investment, but we can make the content go viral.”

  This Sid actually appreciated. He didn’t understand marketing, so seeing Asher take charge of it for them was both impressive and comforting. Asher not only was there to fuck Sid’s brains out, but seemed to really want to see them succeed.

  “Interviews with the band members?” Dawn asked, nibbling on something Mage passed him.

  Asher raised his eyes at him, contemplating for a few seconds. “It’s a shame you don’t want to show yourself to fans, because they love the stuff you do. Have you considered performing in a mask?”

  Dusk picked up on that with a big smile. “Yeah! Oh my, God! Dawn! You could play the second guitar in, like, a full body gimp suit.”

  Dawn’s lips parted. “A what?”

  “A mask would be enough,” Asher said quickly, “You could still have your anonymity, but also get the recognition you deserve. And besides, people love mysteries. You’d soon be the fan favorite.”

  Dawn recoiled with his shoulders curled. “No, it’s okay. I don’t wanna. People would come up to me.”

  Sid sighed and shook his head. “Yeah, it would be so bad if someone actually hit on you, right? You might actually have to deal with it.”

  As they ate, Asher showed them examples of similar campaigns done by promoters for big name stars, and the pattern was definitely there. He already had some materials ready, and it even turned out he’d contacted Lolly, asking for exclusive content for the campaign, as Dusk’s boyfriend was responsible for most of their merch designs anyway. Mage was the one doing most of the talking for the band, but Asher had an answer for every question.

  Sid didn’t even hate how every now and then Asher would stroke his thigh with surprising affection. Sid could hardly remember the last time he’d spent time with both his friends and a lover. It must have been when he was in his early twenties maybe, but the lovers he used to have back then were as transient as he was. They’d often squat in the same building, but every time the seasons changed, a new set of people came and went. Still, he cherished those memories, the glimmers of short-lasting intimacy, talking about a future together until early morning even when both him and the other guy knew none of those plans were realistic.

  Asher rubbed Sid’s knee with his fingertips and clicked through to a drafted article for his website. “Okay, so that’s a new one, but it
could really make waves. What do you guys think?” he asked, switching into preview mode.

  Sid’s lips dried, suddenly tasting bitter.

  “The fuck?” he said, staring at a draft post for The Q-Detective entitled: ‘Exclusive: Looks like Sid Maron of The Underdogs is off the dating market. Sorry boys!’

  “It’s not published yet. I’d need a photo of us together for it. Maybe Mage could take one,” Asher said, infuriatingly calm, but the look Mage gave Sid from the other sofa spoke volumes. It was one big ‘abort’.

  “It’s not published, and it’s not gonna be published! Delete this shit, now!” Sid slid to the edge of the sofa and threw away the empty plastic bowl, now angry that he’d eaten what Asher had chosen for him. He would not be going along with yet another fucking decision.

  Dusk whistled, and Sid was ready to punch him in the handsome face even before the bastard spoke. “Come on, Sid. We need some band drama in the news. If you’re dating anyway—”

  “You want band drama?” Sid lunged at Dusk, but the fucker must have expected it, because he instantly ducked and rolled to the floor, laughing as if this was all a joke.

  Mage rose, stretching out his long arms to keep them apart. “Whoa, Sid. He’s not serious,” he said but nudged Dusk’s ribs with his foot.

  “Why are you so upset?” Asher squeezed Sid’s shoulder, pulling him back on the sofa.

  “This is not on! I agreed to tell them we’re dating, but I don’t want the whole world to know.” Sid slapped his hand away, ignoring the argument between Mage and Dusk escalating behind him.

  Asher’s gaze met his head on, and Sid actually felt electricity humming between their bodies.

  Dawn tried to say something but was only heard on the third try.

  “I think we should all have a drink at the diner and let Sid and Stan work this out.”

  “I don’t want you to call me that any longer,” hissed Asher, stiffening and focusing his entire attention on Dawn, who stumbled, rolling back to the sofa as if he expected a punch to come his way.