Just Here for the Pain Read online

  When had it gotten dark? Away from the high-beam lights, the air was murky despite this being otherwise such a pleasant day. Sid stared at the cars, his fists clenching when he realized that he’d let Asher chase him off to this sad, lonely place where he couldn’t even get himself a beer. But if he went back to the backstage area, bumping into the psycho and his puppy dog eyes again would be inevitable. Sid hated the subservient, overjoyed way Asher looked at him. In his dreams, he sometimes gouged them out, dealing with his problem once and for all. Too bad he couldn’t possibly do so in real life.

  With his slavish dedication, Asher personified everything Sid didn’t want in a partner, and Sid didn’t want to go there with him even when his balls ached for release on the road. He had a port of call for when he became restless, but for that he needed to be farther away from people. He zigzagged through the sea of tents, stopped a few times for autographs and photos, which managed to lift his mood, but the goal was the far off parking lot for staff and artists, where he sat on the hood of someone’s car in the dark and opened his phone.

  His skin prickled with a mixture of disgust and need, resulting in the kind of restlessness that could only be eased in one way.

  The band playing a set after theirs wasn’t that great, but he was glad for that bit of noise as he slowly leaned back, resting his head against the windshield.

  [Hey. You there, Master?] Sid texted Executioner, nervously tapping the side of the phone. He needed to drift away from the memory of Asher’s intense brown eyes. He hadn’t even noticed when he’d lost his cigarette, and now missed the smoke.

  His entire body trembled when an answer appeared alongside his master’s profile photo in a black latex mask. The fact that it was so expressionless in the picture never failed to coax arousal out of Sid.

  [Speaking to me uninvited, slave? Who do you think you are?]

  Sid had to take a deep breath to answer him even online. Imagining this man in the mask, in his dungeon, with all the implements for causing pain had Sid’s blood pumping faster. They’d never actually met in real life, but that was for the better now. Safer.

  [I’m so sorry, Master. But I need your skill tonight. I need all the cruelty you can give.]

  [Useless slut. What is it this time? Are the bruises gone already?] Executioner asked, referring to their last conversation, which resulted with extensive play and an entire package of clothes pegs attached to Sid’s body. If only the Executioner were there to cause the pain instead of Sid having to dole it out himself.

  [They are, Master. I need more. I will bend over for you, and you will see just how much I can take. I want you to make me black and blue.] Sid’s breath was hitching, but the excitement growing in his bloodstream was the release he needed.

  [No. You don’t deserve my cock. You’re an attention whore who keeps speaking to me out of turn,] Executioner responded with the cruelty Sid craved. Executioner was often unavailable, and many of their kinks didn’t actually align, but he was the best Sid could have in terms of relief.

  [I’m sorry, Master. I submit to your punishment for my actions. I stretch out my arms for any kind of beating you want to mete out.] Oh how badly Sid missed real caning. But this would have to do for now. He was on fucking tour. How else was he to find someone who wasn’t a psycho?

  A photo appeared on the screen, and Sid actually whimpered when he saw Executioner’s stiff dick on the screen, followed by a string of words.

  [You can’t have this. You can’t have anything up your ass until you complete your punishment. Take a knife and make six cuts on your side, under the ribs. Show me the pictures, slave.]

  Sid swallowed, feeling as if the crazy world around him was grinding to a halt. The music faded away, the smell of spilled beer evaporated, and the darkness of the parking lot became thicker, making the screen of his phone the center of his universe.

  Should he?

  He imagined the blood trailing down his skin, the pain the cuts would cause. A risky thing to do. But then again, he’d be in control, alone with the blades. He wouldn’t need to worry if Executioner was a psycho killer. Wasn’t that why he’d given up real-life relationships for the time being?

  A hand squeezed on his thigh. Sid yelped, dropping his phone in panic. For half a second, he imagined that it was Executioner reaching out through the device to grab him, but no.

  It was Asher with his award-worthy smile and the ridiculous haircut.

  “There you are. It took me ages to find you,” he said and offered Sid a can of Pabst.

  “Maybe because you weren’t supposed to find me at all?” Sid pushed at Asher’s chest. He was a cornered animal, caught wounded, and he would lash out if he felt trapped.

  Asher rolled his eyes. “Oh, come on! If you want to be out of the public eye for a sec, we could have a drink in my car.”

  Sid ignored him and reached down for his phone to at least apologize to Executioner, but the screen was cracked, and only a glitchy light appeared on it. “No! For fuck’s sake!” He turned to Asher and pushed him again. “Enough! I’ve had enough! You can never exhaust me to the point that we have sex again, because we will never be compatible, Ash! You can never give me what I want, so piss off.”

  Something flashed in Asher’s attentive brown eyes, and he took half a step closer, crowding Sid against the hood of the car as the music beyond the backstage area carried on into a hypnotic chorus. “What do you want?”

  Sid pressed on Asher’s solar plexus with one finger to keep him at a distance, and unflinchingly kept up the eye contact. Enough was enough. It was about time to scare his sweet-yet-psycho fanboy. “I want to hurt, Ash. I want pain, handcuffs, gags, and electric shocks. I want to feel birch hitting my skin, and for my nipples to be pierced over and over again. I want to be called names and fucked so hard I can’t stop myself from crying. Do you finally get the point?” He didn’t even care he was raising his voice. “Our sex was…cute. I guess. And I’m happy you liked it so much that you’re standing here after all those years, but I’m not looking for a lap dog. We will never be a good fit. Understood? Go find yourself a dick to suck and leave me alone!”

  Asher sucked in a big gulp of air, his eyes transfixed on Sid’s as if he were attempting to set him on fire with his gaze alone. A light breeze swept over their faces, but when Sid expected Asher to pull away, to get lost once he found out what a freak show Sid was, Asher abruptly grabbed Sid’s wrist and yanked it. Sid’s lungs emptied from the shock as Asher twisted both Sid’s hands and forced him to lie back on the hood, leaning closer and pressing down on Sid with his weight.

  “Pain? Like that?”

  Sid froze, lost for words. Still rattled after that brief conversation with Executioner, he couldn’t get his mind to work right. Asher had never acted this way before. Never. He’d been pushy, eager for Sid’s company, but always looking for ways to please and to endear himself to Sid, no matter how misguided what he did was.

  Only being under him made Sid realize just how much Asher had truly grown in the years since their fling. He wasn’t that kid Sid gave a pity fuck to years ago. The usual instinctual urge to keep his distance from Asher was confused by the change in attitude.

  “I…um…stop it. This isn’t your thing.” Right? If anything, Asher had always wanted to smother Sid with love, not fuck him raw.

  Asher breathed loudly through his mouth and licked the rim of his lips, pinning Sid to the hood with his weight as he leaned closer. “You don’t know what my thing is.”

  Sid wouldn’t even blink, for once not rushing to push Asher away or tell him to stop. He couldn’t say he knew the man on top of him. The man twisting his wrist until he mewled was not the polite, smiley guy who chased Sid like a puppy. Maybe this was Asher’s evil twin brother or something, because Asher had never dared push Sid into anything, let alone hurt him. And now, this new dominant energy came as a shock, confusing Sid into silence.

  Sid’s wrists ached, a ridge running along the hood dug into his skinn
y back, and Asher’s scent—fresh and citrusy—overwhelmed Sid’s senses just before soft lips met his. Why was Sid letting Asher do this? Was he really this starved for a dominant man? Probably. The itch inside of him was a constant, distracting presence, and finding a safe partner on tour, as someone who wanted to keep their sexual interests private while being in the public eye, was a nightmare.

  The waves of physical pain from his twisted arm mixed into one sensation with the heat of Asher’s hungry kiss, and Sid wasn’t even sure who he was dealing with anymore. This was madness.

  Asher’s firm body stretched over his, and their groins met as the mind-bending kiss continued, becoming hotter and more aggressive by the second. It wasn’t even Asher’s erection poking him that caused Sid to wake from the stupor. It was when his own body awakened that he knew it was time to end whatever fuckery was going on. He’d meant to scare Asher off, not encourage him.

  Sid found the inner strength to squirm away, and he almost fell once he rolled off the hood of the car. He took a few more steps back for good measure, looking at Asher in a different light. Even Asher’s stance seemed to have changed.

  “This… You have no idea. This is so wrong. What are you even doing?” And yet the force of Asher’s kiss still throbbed on Sid’s lips, and the taste—rich and masculine—was nothing like the boy whose virginity Sid had taken seven years back.

  He retreated, backing away toward the backstage area while keeping his gaze on Asher’s tall form, on his strong shoulders and veiny hands that had kept him still with so much proficiency. Unexpected proficiency.

  “You can’t possibly want to tell me that this is your thing all of a sudden? It’s not like you.” Sid crossed his arms on his chest but couldn’t stop assessing Asher from a new perspective. What if this was Asher’s thing? What if Asher was able to give Sid what he yearned for? Sid wouldn’t have to even work for it, because Asher was right in front of him, eager to jump his bones.

  Asher casually approached Sid, his gait light like a cat’s about to pounce on. “What is like me? It’s not like you’ve taken your time to get to know me. I can tie you up if you want. And I can put you over my knee and spank you until your ass is bright red. Try me, slut.”

  Just hearing an attractive man say these words to him in real life, even if it was Asher of all people, made blood pump harder in Sid’s veins. Startled and overwhelmed, Sid did the one thing he was more than good at.

  He turned and ran.

  Chapter 2

  “Want some more coffee?”

  The sweet voice had Asher closing his laptop on a particularly dirty picture of a naked guy with weights attached to his balls. Ah, the perils of having to work in public spaces that had decent wi-fi.

  “Yeah, that would be great,” he said and pushed his cup toward the teenage waitress, who gave him her sweetest smile as she poured him some more of the beverage.

  He tried not to frown when he realized her breasts peeked at him from the front of her uniform when she leaned in. He was positive it had been buttoned up all the way when she’d come over last time. The interest, the flirting, the suggestive smiles were all flattering, but even if she were taller, flat-chested and more…well, masculine, he wouldn’t have been interested.

  Since his last conversation with Sid almost a week ago (six days and seven hours, to be precise), Asher couldn’t bear fucking anyone else, so his libido was getting out of control, spiraling and tumbling like a spinning top about to fall off the edge of the table. He’d thrown himself into a whirlwind of research and porn, which had cost him a missed deadline at Noise, the magazine he wrote for, and his social media presence was diminishing the same way it had when the flu had gotten to him last September.

  He could still taste that kiss on his lips, sweet with confusion and a hint of excitement. Asher had barely slept since cracking the code to Sid’s heart. All those years, the missing piece had been right in front of him, and he’d have found it long ago if he had only dug deeper. All the boxes of chocolates, sweet gifts, and offers of foot massages he’d believed Sid would appreciate had been misguided. He should have just followed his instinct instead of wasting his time on overthinking and being considerate.

  Now Asher just needed to pin down what exactly it was that Sid wanted, and the puzzle would be solved. Sid would then reciprocate Asher’s feelings and all would be good in the world again.

  He’d already managed to endear himself to Sid’s bandmates by working on furthering their careers, and a happy Sid would be much easier to crack. For now, Asher was fine with being an unpaid marketing assistant, but in the future, he could surely take over from Mage as manager. It gave him a little thrill to think that he’d be able to show Sid just how proficient he was, how useful.

  It was that or preparing a few posts in advance. He still had to transcribe that short interview about Dusk’s and Lolly’s public reunion on stage, but perhaps he could employ someone else to do it for him? It was high time he got someone to take over some of the easier tasks that needed to be done preparing content for The Q-Detective. Even if the quality of the content dropped for a few days, Asher doubted it would matter to his target audience of gossip-greedy office drones who accessed the site during working hours.

  Sid, on the other hand, needed Asher’s attention. Personal attention, and Asher hadn’t dedicated so many hours in this passing week to research and imagining all the things he could do to Sid to let it go to waste just because a few deadlines have piled up.

  Sometimes, he would tinker with the blog post about him and Sid being a couple that he’d kept as a draft on the website for years now, and even though it was technically procrastination, Asher liked to think of it as work in progress. One day, the time would come for it to be published, and by that time he’d be ready.

  He opened his laptop to scroll through other pictures of elaborate bondage, but when the tall figures of Mage and Dusk appeared at the entrance to the hotel restaurant, Asher made sure to wipe the screen of any questionable content. He waved at them, smiling when both sat across the table in his booth.

  “How was last night’s gig? Went all right?”

  Dusk sat up straight and stared at Asher. “What? You weren’t there? You’re… always there.”

  Asher didn’t miss the tiny jingle of the bell above the entrance, and when he looked out of the window, he saw Sid slipping out of his grasp yet again. The sight of his tattooed shoulders was making Asher salivate a bit too much, so he swallowed loudly, imagining a chain connecting the two studded leather bracelets on Sid’s wrists. Now that Sid had put that image in Asher’s brain, he could hardly think of anything else.

  A week ago, he’d held Sid’s wrists. They were slim, hands and fingers as angular as the rest of him. The white tank top Sid wore did very little in terms of covering his pale flesh, leaving the pronounced collarbones and veiny neck on show. He was so lean Asher sometimes thought of him as the kind of delicious meat even his trainer would have approved of. All meat and bone under a layer of tight skin, Sid was both strong and frail, with long limbs that could deliver the harshest of rhythms on the drums but couldn’t withstand the strength of Asher’s own body.

  He had such a handsome profile too, with a large, narrow nose adorned with a septum ring, kissable lips, and a bone structure that made Sid appear as if he were permanently sucking in his cheeks. The tall red mohawk and plain black flesh plugs gave him even more of an edge, but to Asher they were just sexy accessories to the kind guy that really hid inside.

  Dusk snapped his fingers in front of Asher’s face. “He doesn’t wanna talk to you. Will you give it a rest already and show us the article about me and Lolly getting back together like the star-crossed lovers that we are?”

  But Dusk’s wide smile did nothing to alleviate Asher’s distraction. How was he supposed to focus on anything when Sid was right there, outside, illuminated by the lights of the restaurant, smoking his cigarette as if nothing had happened between them last week. The shadows sank
into his face, transforming him into the handsomest of ghouls.

  “Since when are you his mom, Dusk?”

  Mage licked his lips, adjusting the dreadlocks pinned at the back of his head. “Look, we appreciate your help, but he told you many times that you’re a bit too much. Maybe let it go for a while.”

  Mage couldn’t possibly understand what Asher and Sid shared. And in all the years that Asher had followed Sid, he’d never told anyone about the time they spent together, because that memory belonged to only him and Sid. There was something about holding onto it that made Asher feel like a dragon guarding its pile of gold.

  And then Sid glanced Asher’s way, and the split second when their eyes met made Asher’s heart skip a beat, goose bumps forming all over his arms. Such an intense look in Sid’s eyes, so handsome, so full of secrets Asher couldn’t wait to crack open.

  Dusk groaned and dragged his hand down his face. “Jesus, this is useless.”

  Asher took a big gulp of coffee and shut his laptop. “Wait a sec, okay? Order the ahi tuna for me,” he said, slipping from behind the table with his gaze pinned to the thick chain resting against the back of Sid’s slim neck.

  “Can’t we just talk first? He’ll probably come in anyway,” Mage started but Asher waved him off, already grabbing the door handle and stepping outside.

  Sid turned to him with a groan and started walking off away from the light, and out of Asher’s grasp. So I-don’t-give-a-fuck in his swagger, so hot in the way his shoulder blades moved under his skin. Asher would gladly pull up that tank top and lick all the way up Sid’s pronounced spine.

  “Hey, Sid, won’t you give me two seconds of your time?” he called out, breaking into a jog to catch up with him. He almost put a hand on the small of Sid’s back but didn’t want to startle his skittish gazelle again.

  “What is it, Stan?” Sid said, emphasizing the nickname as he always did when he was trying to put a wall between them. But Asher didn’t care as long as he got Sid’s attention, because at the end of the day that was all that mattered.