Just Here for the Pain Read online

  Sid let out a pathetic little sound that almost made Asher come on the spot, but it did, in fact, take a few more tugs in front of Sid’s face to spurt creamy lines of cum onto Sid’s cheek. When Sid closed one eye, some spunk landed on there too, now dripping off his eyelashes, thick as pudding.

  “I like you like this much better. I want to take a photo of you like this and put it on a billboard downtown,” breathed Asher, leaning on the pillory, because energy had left him, along with the orgasm. His body was heavy, knees soft, and the blood inside him was no longer scorching, feeling gooey and warm instead. He pulled his hand over Sid’s eye, wiping off some of the spunk, so that it wouldn’t dry on his lashes.

  The pleading way in which Sid looked up at him worked this time. Asher wanted to give him anything he’d ask for. He was so satisfied he lazily petted Sid’s head. Another time, he’d deny Sid the orgasm, but on this dungeon inauguration, he was feeling generous.

  He slumped to the floor with much less grace than planned, but he didn’t think either of them cared. Sid whimpered, twitching in the pillory when Asher ducked under him, only to thrust his hips forward the moment Asher gently closed his lips on his cockhead. The salty and sour flavor rubbed on his tongue, and he sucked it in deeper, reaching between Sid’s spread thighs and delving three fingers into his slick asshole.

  Sid’s moan was so high-pitched Asher wouldn’t be surprised if he was crying again. He slowly rocked his fingers in and out while letting Sid desperately rock his dick into Asher’s throat. It hardly took half a minute for him to come, flooding Asher’s lips with his spunk and clenching his ass around the digits. Sid’s whole body trembled, and Asher took the pleasure of petting his chest with his other hand as he swallowed the generous helping of cum.

  Some of it trickled out of his mouth, and he gathered it with his finger, not wanting to waste any. Tiredness settled over him like a heavy coat, itching with muscle pain in his arms and an emptiness in his head. He leaned his head on Sid’s thigh, just below his balls, and hugged his leg.

  It still shivered as he stroked its back, but once Asher made himself move, his first step was to release Sid’s legs from the spreader bar while he was down there. He gave one of Sid’s reddened nipples a kiss and crawled out from under him.

  The glossy eyes followed his every move so intensely that for a moment he wasn’t sure what to think. It almost felt like Sid wanted to tell him something, something intense, something scary, so he left the gag in, opening the pillory instead.

  At first Sid stayed in position for a few seconds, breathing hard through his nose, but as he straightened up, Asher seemed to be his only focus. Despite the gag and the mess on his face, he took the two steps on shaky legs and wrapped his arms around him, leaning his whole weight on Asher. He let out a little needy whine, never pulling away, as if he believed he could somehow communicate his intentions without words.

  Asher watched him, breathless and overwhelmed by the realization that Sid needed his care. Not just because it was the right thing to do after a session so intense, but because Sid begged for it this time.

  “It’s okay. Let me take that off,” Asher whispered for no reason at all. He unbuckled the gag and let it fall to the floor, hugging Sid tightly. “Is everything fine?”

  Sid nodded, stretching his jaw after having the gag in it for so long. For several seconds he remained still, leaning his warm body against Asher’s. “I think I love you,” he uttered in a broken, raspy voice, hugging Asher as if he wanted to melt into him, press every part of his bony body into Asher’s as if they were puzzle pieces. Sid’s arms still trembled after holding one position for so long, but Asher was torn between the focus on soothing his lover and the panic over Sid’s words.

  For so many years he’d chased after Sid, offered his own feelings on a platter, or so he’d thought, because this felt completely different. Sid was now growing roots in Asher’s life. Not like before, a man on a pedestal for Asher to long for but someone who was physically here in Asher’s family home, bringing with him all kinds of messy feelings. And this new Sid was no longer an independent rebel. He wanted things. He wanted attention, and care, and for Asher to love him back. But Asher was so terror-stricken by the responsibility he couldn’t bring himself to say anything.

  Instead, he leaned down and snuck his arm under Sid’s knees, dragging him into the air.

  He was not as light as he looked, but the time Asher had dedicated to calisthenics and weight training hadn’t been for nothing, and he carried his sub to the adjacent bedroom, designed as a soothing space for the aftermath of all the crazy sex they could have here.

  He’d had a dungeon set up just to make Sid love him, and yet now, when he’d gotten what he’d wanted all along, Sid’s confession was a shock collar tightening around his neck. He did his best not to let it show. He was good at hiding behind smiles.

  “You are so beautiful,” he whispered, pressing his mouth to Sid’s cum-stained lips.

  Despite being a sturdy weight, able to take a beating well, Sid now seemed so fragile he would break if Asher pushed too hard. “And you’re so strong. It’s hot.” He gave Asher a tender little smile, as if it didn’t matter at all that Asher hadn’t confessed his love in return.

  Maybe it was because Sid took Asher’s affection for granted?

  Or was that just a nasty voice of insecurity in Asher’s head? He couldn’t tell.

  But he didn’t have time to dissect that when despite his smiles, Sid needed attention, a soothing balm to his ass and tender care. He’d get all that and more, and Asher would beat the stupid voices in his head into submission. He’d learned he was very proficient at beatings.

  Chapter 11

  Days in Asher’s company passed all too quickly, and even though the house in which all three of them now lived was poking Sid with its luxuries from every side, it was hard to deny that having a swimming pool to themselves was pretty fucking amazing. Asher was also right about Sid eating too little nutritious food. He was kind of feeling better since he moved into Asher’s home and was forced to eat whatever was there most of the time. That meant organic, ‘good carbs’, and no fast food. Sid was in heaven and hell all at once.

  The recording studio at Asher’s home was perfect as well, and The Underdogs would have been fools to refuse the offer of using it in the future. It was a shame to see it so empty, and with dust covering the equipment.

  Tonight though, after over two weeks apart that felt so necessary after the straining tour, Sid had arranged to meet up with Dusk, Mage, and Dawn. Even Dusk’s boyfriend Lolly was back from Texas, where he’d been working on murals for a local restaurant chain. That kind of get-together felt like the perfect opportunity to pull Asher closer and show him that maybe there was room for him in their group of friends once the next bunch of scheduled gigs started.

  For the first time in his life, Sid was apprehensive about meeting his friends. They’d all treated Asher as a joke for years, and now Sid was living with him. Even if they didn’t know all the saucy details, the stress still made Sid sweat into his clothes. He jumped in the car seat when Asher’s hand rested on his thigh, so close to Sid’s sore groin that invisible fingers dug into the flesh of Sid’s back.

  “I just don’t want them to freak out,” Sid offered a reason for his tension other than the cage on his cock. Asher had the key to it in his wallet, and so it could be taken off at any time, but as embarrassing it would be if anyone noticed, Sid wanted to wear that constant reminder of Asher’s presence in his life. It sat tightly around the base of his cock as if Asher’s fingers were tightened there at all times. Pent-up arousal was still a firm presence in his body, pulsing in his veins since they’d left the house. In the garage, Asher had bent him over the hood of this very car and fucked him hard and fast, as if putting across the point that Sid was not allowed to come had been his only goal.

  Sid had to stop thinking about that fuck, because it made the metal dig into his dick with more pressure. Ashe
r had somehow opened up a long-forgotten well of emotion inside of Sid, only to rip open its floor with his bare hands and find a tunnel leading way past what Sid had been prepared to offer him.

  Since Asher didn’t answer and calmly parked his car a block away from where people pouring out of The Fly could puke all over it, Sid spoke again. “Crash Landing are gonna play tonight.” He hadn’t exactly planned a confrontation with his former band, but when he’d seen a photo from the bar on their Instagram, he didn’t cancel the outing either. A part of him wanted to rub the success of The Underdogs in their faces.

  And maybe, just maybe, he’d also show them that regardless of their opinion on his sexuality, he lived on and had caught himself a man he was proud to show off.

  Asher sighed and put his arm around Sid. That simple gesture was enough to, once more, awaken the jittery feeling in Sid’s muscles. He leaned in without question, opening his lips to a sweet, very thorough kiss.

  “Fuck those guys. Maybe we should go somewhere else?”

  “Nah, our friends are already there. I don’t want to make a scene.” But he did. Fuck, did he want to make a scene with his queer band, the bisexual lead singer, his pink-haired boyfriend, and their supportive bandmates. The fuckers from Crash Landing would see what a big mistake they’d made by getting rid of him for the sake of heteronormativity, how they couldn’t put out his flame with their shitty attitudes.

  Asher nodded at the windshield, his face serious before a smile emerged on it, bright and sincere as he looked Sid’s way again. “Their music’s shit. They’re going more and more poppy with each new release. It has no soul. It’s a good thing you’re not with them anymore.”

  That was exactly what Sid needed to hear. He leaned in for another kiss before leaving the car. The Tesla still made him somewhat uncomfortable with its ostentatiousness, but at this point he no longer saw it as expensive swag but rather a sleek car that fit Asher’s lifestyle.

  He once again considered showing off his handsome boyfriend to Crash Landing, but thinking of it took him right back to the day he’d found out he was no longer wanted among the guys he’d then considered friends. That they didn’t want his collar and his lifestyle choices to reflect on them. He’d drank so much booze that night that he’d actually cried on a stranger’s shoulder, and then let that stranger fuck him without a condom.

  He wasn’t proud of any of it.

  Sid was pretty sure Asher would just go with whatever and be his suave self in front of Crash Landing, but there was the weird tension in the air about them not having a future past the next tour. Sid had been meaning to address the change in situation between them, make things official, but he got cold feet every time he wanted to open his mouth about it. Did he really need to make a big thing out of it? Weren’t the things they did in Asher’s home more than enough confirmation of what their relationship was? They loved each other, so did their relationship status need to be spelled out, as if they were still in their teens?

  The Fly, their venue of choice wasn’t exactly a dive bar, but close. The floor was never clean, the walls were so sticky they could catch flies, and posters lined the corridor in thick layers that someone would inevitably rip off, starting the cycle again.

  It was Sid’s favorite place in the world.

  Here he’d found a community that he longed to be a part of after the painful parting from his family. Alone in the world, with no money or a roof over his head, he’d quickly melded into the rebellious world of the people who frequented The Fly. He’d been coming here ever since. It was in this place that he’d met a guy who’d let him rehearse on his drums, and even the members of his first serious band. It felt as if half his life had been spent between these dirty walls.

  He’d first met Asher here too, but would Asher remember that fact, or had he maybe gone to a random place that night?

  “Like your surprise?” Sid asked as they walked in. Regardless of how many years Asher had followed him, their newly formed relationship was still fragile and raw. Sid tended to it gently, as if it were an open wound that would bleed all over him if he touched too firmly. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this way about anyone.

  Just like seven years ago, Asher stood out like a sore thumb. Back then it was because he’d been trying too hard to fit in, now—he made no effort to, confident in his expensive T-shirt and with the most hipster of hairdos. But oddly enough, he managed to not look out of place. There was something about the openness and boldness with which he entered each space that allowed him to do so without unnecessary friction.

  Sid breathed in the fumes of cheap alcohol and smoke—no vaping here—and despite his best intentions, spotting the blond head of Crash Landing’s guitarist, Spike, had him recoiling against the safe width of Asher’s chest.

  They were right there, all four bastards lazily preparing on the stage, bottles of beer creating a tiny fence around the drums. With the music they played now, Sid wasn’t even sure why they had been invited to perform at The Fly, but he supposed they would bring some beer-buyers. Their first album, the one they’d kicked Sid out for, had fizzled in popularity, and Sid always felt a certain dark satisfaction about that.

  With a deep breath, he straightened up, and searched the room for his bandmates, but just as he spotted a flash of pink hair and glitter, it was too late. Lolly pounced him with a big smile and hugged him tightly.

  Sid was not a hugger. At least he hadn’t been until Asher.

  But with Dusk watching from the corner booth, he couldn’t just push away the walking piece of cotton candy and ended up patting Lolly. “Hey, how was Texas?”

  Lolly seemed to try very hard to focus on Sid when he pulled back, but he ended up eyeing Asher too, with the wide smile remaining on his face like a mask.

  Asher’s hand touching Sid’s shoulder blade was like a lick of fire.

  “I’ll get us something to drink,” he said and gravitated to the bar.

  It was as if his absence unlocked Lolly’s mouth. “I’m freaking out, Sid. Is he blackmailing you? I mean, sure, he’s hot…but is he?”

  Sid groaned and rubbed his face with both hands. He wanted to chill tonight, drink beers, and talk about stupid shit, not be interrogated. It seemed that couldn’t be avoided.

  “He’s not blackmailing me. It’s complicated.”

  They walked to the table where Dusk dragged Lolly into his lap, showering kisses all over his neck. Dawn seemed so embarrassed by all that PDA that he pulled his baseball cap lower over his face, but Mage nodded at Sid with a smile, unfazed.

  Sid was kind of happy for Lolly and Dusk after their forced separation due to work, even though the overwhelming and obvious way they clung to one another only reminded him of the shaky legs of his own budding relationship. His gaze inevitably strayed to the bar, where Asher conversed with a bald punk girl. Taller than pretty much everyone else there and dressed in clothes that made his excellent shape even more apparent, Asher held in his pocket more than the key to Sid’s cock cage. He held all of Sid’s vulnerability, tears, bruises, and shameful needs.

  Sid flinched when Dusk snapped his fingers in front of his face. “Earth to Sid!”

  “Huh? What?”

  “How is it complicated?” Mage offered. He liked to play ‘the reasonable one’, but he was a sucker for gossip anyway, and apparently Lolly managed to repeat what Sid had told him earlier despite being so busy with French kissing.

  Sid leaned into the cracked leather behind his back. Maybe it was time to stop avoiding this issue. “We’ve always had history.”

  Lolly perked up in Dusk’s lap. “What? No!”

  Dawn smiled. “I could feel it.”

  Dusk raised his hands into the air. “Like shit you could ‘feel it’! You’re not a medium, Dawn.”

  Mage pointed the neck of his bottle toward Dusk. “Why do you attack him? He’s always been a good empath!”

  “Nobody wants to hear this. So, Sid, what were you saying about your and Asher�
��s big love story?” Lolly asked with a bratty grin.

  Sid crossed his arms on his chest. Like a squirming bacteria under a microscope, he didn’t want to be examined. “It was just a thing.”

  Mage had more empathy in his eyes. “Why’d you never tell us?”

  “Because I didn’t think it would be relevant. Jeez, don’t make it into such a big deal. It’s still fresh, so Lolly, don’t make it weird.”

  Dusk’s brows lifted. “Lolly’s making things weird? Weren’t you telling us to avoid Stan for as long as we’d known you? Didn’t you want to strangle him when he outed me and Lolly on his website? And now you move in with him and bring him to our meetup?”

  Lolly punctuated the question by loudly sucking a red lollipop into his mouth.

  “We’ve worked stuff out!” Sid hissed.

  Dusk leaned over the table, inevitably squashing Lolly against it. “Is he that good in bed?”

  Dawn whined and put his hands over his face. “Dusk, stop making him uncomfortable.”

  Dusk frowned at his brother. “You reading minds again? I’m just asking a question.”

  “It’s inappropriate.”

  Dusk leaned back again, and Lolly giggled as if he was on a rollercoaster. “Was it inappropriate when Sid fucked him on the tour bus and you all had to wait ages for them to finish? Yes it was, but you guys still let them, so I think Dusk can ask a que—”

  Sid couldn’t handle this stupid conversation anymore. “Yes, he’s good in bed. Best I’ve had actually. And yes, I really like him even though there’s years of weird shit between us. I’ve moved on past that, so you guys should too. End of story.”

  The table went so quiet Sid became aware of Crash Landing’s song playing in the background, and his mood soured somewhat.

  Lolly popped his lollipop out. “Wow. I want to be a fly on your wall when you guys get wild.”

  Dusk snorted. “I bet you’d make a good episode of Jerry Springer.”

  It was time to change the topic, even though Sid’s brain was about to explode from the tension. “Mage, do we earn enough to get a new bus?” He hadn’t exactly invited Asher for the next tour just yet, especially with the thing between them so tender, but maybe if they got a bigger bus, Asher could come with them. And then there was Abra too, who was a new responsibility in his life even though she’d be turning eighteen soon.