Just Here for the Pain Read online

  Asher reached out his hand, keeping his mouth tightly sealed.

  Cold sweat covered Sid’s back. He wouldn’t… “Huh?” Maybe if he played dumb, this would all go away?

  Asher swallowed and moved his fingers, meeting his gaze. “Show me or leave.”

  Sid clenched his teeth at the thought of what was on his phone. He’d just lied to Asher’s face, and he’d know it the moment he read Sid’s last conversation with Executioner. A voice at the back of Sid’s head whispered that maybe it would just earn him harsh punishment. And then all would be good again.

  He slapped the phone into Asher’s hand with a scowl. This would be humiliating, and not in the good way.

  Asher remained silent as he browsed Sid’s phone, a twitch passing through his features only briefly. Waiting for his reaction was like standing in front of a jury and facing permanent banishment, but Sid stood still, waiting for the verdict, even though each passing second twisted a blade deeper into his gut.

  Asher smirked, lowering the phone but not handing it over yet. “Seems to me like you wanted to meet up and he dumped you. Are there no more Doms in San Diego that you’ve come back to me?”

  Sid couldn’t keep up eye contact anymore, and the heat overpowering his body only made the cuts throb harder. “I don’t know what I really wanted from him, okay? I’m a fucking mess of a human being, and you can surely see that after one look at me. I don’t even know why you’ve chased me all this time, but you did, so I thought you’d want to deal with me.”

  Asher handed Sid the phone, his lips tense. Without his usual smile, Asher seemed like a completely different person. After seeing him so easily take any rejections or mean words for years, Sid didn’t know what to do about the man who stood in front of him now, no longer begging for attention. “You lied to me again.”

  “But I gave you my phone, didn’t I? So you could see all the fucked-up shit I said. It has to count for something?”

  Asher sighed and rubbed his face, slowly padding around the sofa, to the coffee table cluttered with snacks. “What do you want, Sid? Why are you here? Do you want a fuck? Is that it?”

  “No,” he choked out, hugging himself. “I need pain. I need more of it. San Diego’s my hometown, and I fucking hate it. I’ve felt off since the moment we came here, and you’re always pushing to talk about shit. All I wanted was release. And a gag, so I could actually shut up, and not talk, and just be.”

  Asher sat down and picked up an open can of Pringles, which he started to feed on. “And what, I’m your pain dispenser now that the other guy’s gone?”

  Sid kicked the sofa, but quickly pulled away. “See! That’s exactly what I’m talking about. You don’t want to do this. You make it sound like it’s a chore.”

  Asher’s lips pressed into a thin line before he swung the can, sending a wave of chips straight at Sid. “I don’t want to do it to someone who doesn’t even like me!”

  Sid held his arm up, but crumbs still reached his fresh black T-shirt. ‘Like’? He hadn’t even thought about it. What they had felt a lot more complicated than that. But then there were times when being around Asher was more than nice. In the heat of the moment, they would kiss and hug, joke around. “I do like you… I’ve spent years without BDSM. It’s not why I’m here.”

  “You have a funny way of showing it. I am always there for you, I take your bad moods, and you just expect this to continue. You couldn’t even be honest with me, tell me upfront that you’re talking to someone else, and now what? You expect me to just forget all that and pretend we’d been friends all along? That you didn’t treat me like shit before you found out I could actually give you what you wanted in bed?”

  “It’s not easy to express these needs that I have. It’s hard to be honest when the words just stop in my mouth, and I can’t choke them out. And no, we weren’t friends back then, but we both knew that. I won’t apologize for flipping off a stalker.”

  “See? It’s all about you. You didn’t even apologize for what you did. You just come here asking for something you want from me.” Asher shook his head and picked up a half-empty bottle of beer, taking two sips from it.

  Sid dared a smile. “You could…punish me.”

  Asher took a few deep breaths, lost in thought as he slowly emptied the bottle in his hand. “I will punish you. You will be sorry you’ve come over,” he said sharply.

  Sid’s heart skipped a beat. This meant he was back in. “I… I like your style more,” he tried. “You know, than the other guy’s. He was very much about the whole Master/slave thing.”

  The moment Asher sharply glared at him, Sid knew he shouldn’t have mentioned Executioner again. Asher chewed on his thoughts for a few moments and rose from the sofa. “As punishment, you will go with me to a doctor, so that someone has a look at that mess you’ve made of your side. And then we’ll stop for groceries, and you will cook dinner for us.”

  Sid cocked his head to the side, speechless. For a few seconds his mind was a vast expanse of snow, with white clouds for background. “They’re… I… What?”

  “You heard me. You want to make this right? Fine. Accept your punishment. Come to the doctor and spend some time with me.”

  “But it’s gonna cost a lot. Can’t we just get some of that wound glue, or something?”

  “Oh, shut up,” growled Asher. “Why is everything such a fucking problem for you? Maybe it would have been nothing if you hadn’t hurt yourself for some pussy. Now wait here. I need to change,” he said grimly and walked off through the door.

  Sid exhaled in resignation and leaned against the back of the couch. Sometimes he wasn’t sure anymore if it was his life that was complicated, or if he made it that way himself. Asher wasn’t as much of a psycho as Sid had thought all this time. In fact, Sid had really grown to like him. They had great chemistry, a common past and interests, and still opening up to him felt like a prospect more frightening than carving a thousand more wounds in his body.

  It felt like forever, but in the end Asher was back, as well dressed and stylish as he always was, as if he hadn’t tossed a can of crisps at Sid just minutes ago.

  He didn’t say a word, just snapped his fingers at Sid when passing to the door, and Sid followed his cue like the dog that he was.

  Chapter 8

  Anger was still a throbbing ache at the back of Asher’s heart. Sid’s betrayal and lies had created an infection that had left Asher swollen and feverish. They’d hardly spoken on the way to the clinic, Asher’s brain clouding with smoke that bit into his eyes and made them sting yet again. It wasn’t new to him—being valued for the things he could make happen rather than for who he was—but coming from Sid, a man he considered invaluable, it felt so much worse.

  He’d told himself he’d be stern, but his conviction evaporated as he watched Sid squirm while his wounds were being sewn shut.

  Even minutes later, when they exited the car in front of a supermarket, he remembered Sid’s childishly distressed expression and all he wanted to do was buy him candy and comfort him. But being nice had never really worked with Sid, so Asher needed to stay strong.

  “I’m not much of a cook,” Sid said as they entered the brightly-lit grocery store.

  Asher smirked, squeezing Sid’s hand, which he still wanted to hold, even though he knew the gesture didn’t mean to Sid nearly as much as it did to him. Maybe he could change that in the future? Make Sid think back to the good times when he hadn’t been such a prick.

  “I’m sure you still know how to make that noodle thing you prepared for us.”

  Sid stalled and stared back at Asher, his dark-rimmed, tired eyes wary. “Wasn’t really the dish of the century…”

  But it had been everything Asher needed back then. Nourishing, warm, made with affection and eaten between one part of their fuck-fest and another. Asher sometimes still bought the instant noodles the dish had been based on, but hadn’t been able to recreate that same flavor.

  “Surprise me. I’m on a ca
rb binge anyway,” Asher said, grabbing a basket as they walked into the store.

  “Oh right, wouldn’t want to mess up your perfect diet otherwise.” Sid snorted and grabbed a few tomatoes and onions. After a moment’s consideration, he added a chili pepper to the basket and led Asher straight into carb galore to pick up the noodles.

  “Let’s treat it as a cheat day and get some ice cream while we’re at it,” Asher said, squeezing Sid’s hand gently as they passed under a wall-mounted TV screen that showed an image of their backs filmed by one of many surveillance cameras. Asher saw just two men, boyfriends holding hands. Being out like this, in a public place, felt so very different than touching in the safety of a hotel room, and after everything that had happened between them, he needed this confirmation even more.

  “Ah…there we go. Secret ingredient.” Sid picked up a packet of chips, but when Asher expressed his confusion, Sid pointed to the description. “They come plain, but have these spice mix packets to add on your own. I used it for the noodles.”

  And that had to be the missing element that had scuppered Asher’s attempts of recreating the flavor of his first time.

  He smiled, leading the way to the frozen section. “Who knew you were so smart?”

  “And I’m the asshole?”

  “Allow me some satisfaction, all right?” Asher asked, opening the freezer. “Cookie dough or peanut butter?”

  Sid shrugged. “How is that even a question?”

  “Cookie dough it is then.”

  *

  Asher even got a bag of ice cubes, to make sure the ice cream wouldn’t melt on the way back to his apartment. He’d rented it specifically to have the comfort of privacy with Sid, so it was nice that all wasn’t lost, even if he still had a bitter taste in his mouth after the earlier conversations. Maybe the sweets would help?

  When he parked the car, it was approaching 1am, but his mind was still very alert, wary of anything Sid did and said. Sid insisted on carrying the food, as if he had something to prove, and led the way to the entrance, suddenly coming to a halt and stepping back upon Asher’s approach.

  A tall, thin figure emerged from the shadow of the porch, and Asher’s stomach plummeted when he recognized the girl who’d approached him in front of the club. She wasn’t wearing her coat this time and instead was dressed in a simple cotton long sleeve shirt and an ankle-length skirt.

  He was so surprised to see her that he’d let Sid push him back, only later realizing had gone on. Sid stood between him and the girl as if he were fashioning himself some kind of protector. It was too cute for words.

  It took Asher a whole second to get his voice back. He breathed in the salty air and spoke, “what are you doing here?”

  The girl opened her mouth like a fish, shifting her weight under their scrutiny. “Siddim, it’s me, Abra.”

  “What do you want?” Sid’s shoulders stiffened as if they were about to grow spikes. “I want nothing to do with you or your crazy family.”

  “You know her? She was at the gig. Asked me for your number,” Asher said, squeezing Sid’s shoulder. “How did you find this place?”

  Abra entwined her fingers at the front of her skirt, visibly uncomfortable. “I followed you. I a…hired a cab.”

  Asher exhaled, suddenly wary of his surroundings. The back of his head itched as if there was someone else watching them. This was insane. So she’d been hiding around the house for the past four hours?

  Sid bared his teeth. “Ash, go into the house.”

  “What? No way I’m leaving you with this stalker!”

  Abra’s face fell, but she stepped closer nevertheless. “Please, Siddim. I know it’s been years, but you’ve done so well for yourself. All I wanted to ask for is a bit of help. I’d pay back every penny.”

  Sid’s face stiffened, and his whole body went rigid. “Oh, really? You know this is my boyfriend, right?” he pointed to Asher. “You don’t care I’d be giving you my dirty fag money?” He stepped closer to Abra, and the girl’s eyes went wide as saucers. “You people… I can’t even believe this shit. Now you come asking for money?”

  Asher swallowed, increasingly confused. The girl did look miserable as hell, but who was he to interfere when those two clearly knew each other?

  Abra covered her lips and shook her head. “Don’t scream, please. I am not doing this for anyone else.”

  “I don’t care. I won’t be funding your fucking leaflets. Sit your ass on the porch, and I’ll call you a cab. Hell, I’ll even pay for it as long as you get out of my life forever!”

  “No. No. I’m sorry I wasted your time,” Abra whispered and rushed past Asher, just a little short of running away.

  Asher followed her with his gaze for a few moments before settling it on Sid. “What was that about?”

  Sid was heaving as he rushed up the steps to the house. “That is why I hate this fucking city.”

  “But who was that? How does this woman know you?” Asher asked but didn’t hesitate with opening the door. Abra was gone, and she was a lithe young woman, but the fact that she’d found him so easily made him long to check all the doors and windows.

  “She’s my sister. And I want nothing to do with her, nor the rest of the family. Let’s eat some fucking ice cream, or get smashed or whatever.” Sid said and grabbed his bandaged side. He must have been twisting too much.

  Asher took the bag out of Sid’s hand and led him into the dark apartment. “Sister? But…you never—” he stopped, realizing that he’d never questioned Sid’s family situation. He’d never asked why Sid lived in an abandoned building when they first met, and he hadn’t spared it much thought either. The topic simply didn’t exist.

  “Not a family I’m proud of. Let’s just forget about it.”

  Sid had always seemed like a lonely island. One where Asher could moor, where it would be just the two of them. And yet here he was, harboring a secret life Asher knew nothing about.

  He switched on the light, watching Sid pace uselessly with increasing agitation. Pushing his way through the thick, tense atmosphere, he eventually grabbed their shopping from Asher’s hand and took it to the kitchen. Asher found himself at a loss, torn between the need to say something and staying still in the face of Sid’s anger.

  “She’s just a teenager. She can’t be all that bad.”

  “You have no idea what that family is like!” Sid stuffed the ice cream into the freezer, but then looked back at Asher with a frown. “Are you taking her side?”

  Asher spread his arms, unsure how to tread. “How long since you last saw them? Maybe something’s changed?”

  Sid took a deep breath and held his side, instantly putting Asher on edge. “Nope. They’re still religious nut jobs. I don’t want to see them, I don’t want to talk to them, and I sure as fuck don’t wanna give them my money.”

  Asher swallowed, watching the twitching muscle by Sid’s left eye. It made more sense now why Sid was so keen on talking about his sexuality to Abra. “You never said you were from a religious background. Did they cast you out?”

  “It doesn’t matter, Ash. It’s in the past. Why do you care?”

  Maybe because it was a whole new dimension to Sid that Asher had never known of?

  Asher hugged his shoulder against the wall as his throat choked up a bit. “It’s just... if my family was alive somewhere I would have liked to meet them. But there’s nobody left.”

  Sid stilled, and his expression softened. “What do you mean?”

  Asher shrugged, watching the travel magnets on the fridge. A heavy feeling settled inside him when he remembered the day his life irreversibly changed. “I’m the only one. They died in a helicopter crash.”

  And he’d been all alone since then.

  Sid didn’t say anything, which figured, since avoiding serious conversations was Sid’s MO. But Sid’s boots moved closer on the floor, and then the strong, lean arms were around him, as if Asher were the one in need of being kept together.

  He
pushed his weight at Sid, relief rushing through his muscles as he too put his hands on Sid and pulled him in. “I was ill that day, so I stayed home. And I’m not sorry I’m alive, but it’s difficult to not have anyone who you can rely on without question.”

  In the gentlest of gestures, Sid stroked Asher’s back and was there for him without his attitude, a snarky comment, or a generic line to try and cheer him up. His body had a strength to it, even if it was so much leaner than Asher’s. As if in times of need Sid could hold the weight of the world on his shoulders without complaint.

  Asher closed his eyes and breathed in Sid’s clean scent and his aftershave, a mixture so familiar it unwound the knots in Asher’s muscles, allowing him to relax against Sid. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened in your past. Maybe I shouldn’t be jealous that you still have someone.”

  “I don’t have anyone,” Sid said softly. “I’ve been on my own since I was fifteen. The Underdogs are the closest to a family that I’ve got.”

  Asher exhaled but kept his eyes closed, afraid of what he’d see. “I know. I’m so jealous.”

  “You’ve got me now, okay? Whatever happens. Even if I’m a shit sometimes.”

  Asher swallowed and slowly looked at Sid, with his heart knocking loudly at his breastbone, as if it wanted to leap out of his chest and hug Sid. “Really?”

  “Yeah. I don’t have that much to offer, but I won’t bail. I can be a bit…erratic, I know, but I promise you this.”

  Asher’s throat was completely blocked. He couldn’t speak. So he leaned in and kissed Sid’s sweet, inviting lips. The world spun around them, smelling of incense, and damp old buildings, and noodles containing the whole periodic table of elements. He was at the center of it all, sensing that wonderful moment in the past finally merge with the present.

  Sid opened up to him in the kiss, hugging Asher tighter, teasing his tongue and sliding his cold fingers under the back of Asher’s shirt. There was a gentleness to it too—a shyness—as if they hadn’t fucked like the world was about to burn down.